My Baby Beat Me Up….!

They might look fragile and helpless, but babies are really really strong. They have to be of course, in order to survive babyhood in the big wide world. But what you don’t realise until you actually have one of your own is that they’re strong to the extent that a waving arm, kicking foot or misplaced head can actually end up causing you a spot of damage if you’re not careful.

At least that’s the case with Emily. Having been born with a grasp reflex that meant giving her your finger to hold was comparable with sticking in it in a vice and squeezing it really tightly, she has since demonstrated a superhuman strength which would make even Geoff Capes jealous.

Trouble is of course, she tends to test out her powers on her Mummy and Daddy – which means I have scratches on my neck where she’s indicated she’s hungry or tired by clawing at me, bruises on my legs from being kicked during playtime, and even the occasional sore nose from being headbutted while she’s on my shoulder.

Her favourite trick, however, appears to be to lie on her tummy while on my chest and worm her way across me and burrow into my shoulder in a desperate effort contact with the bedsheet/sofa/whatever I happen to be lying on at the time.

Which is all very well but bearing in mind she’s no longer the 6lb baby we brought home from the hospital can actually result in injury. To me, that is. She will of course emerge from the situation without so much as a scratch. I, on the other hand, am left gasping for breath and clutching my windpipe, which has by now involuntarily moved several inches to the right. But for some reason, when I tell people that I’m looking all bruised and purplish because “my baby beat me up”, they just don’t believe me. I can’t think why.

Everybody tells you that having a baby will change your life. But nobody ever tells you that it can also be hazardous to your health.